That's not a blog, THIS is a blog.

Dear Diary:

Forests taught me about sexuality and what it means to be a man. A real man is a lumberjack, he's sweaty, wears plaid shirts, tight jeans, and usually has one or no teeth, not to mention a burly beard. He also usually doesn't bathe. Every time I see a roll of Brawny paper towels or napkins, I see as their logo the very essence of what it means to be manly. It takes me back to a time I wished I had lived in -- the caveman era, where lumberjacks ruled the world. This was probably around the 1800s.

I am pro-lumberjack because I hate the forest. One time, in a forest, I sat under a tree with my picnic basket. When I turned around, a cartoon bear had stolen it. And another time, I was smoking a cigarette, under the very same tree, and a cartoon bear -- a different cartoon bear, stole it. I can only assume cartoon bears feed off their addictions in the forest like crack addicts and that they are godless killing machines. Without forests there would be no bears, except polar bears, but who cares. Polar bears are only a threat for the next ice age, where man will probably be in a life and death struggle in a bare-knuckle boxing match with polar bears to decide the king of the animal kingdom, like in Man vs. Beast on Fox(I wrestled the Gorilla). By the way, a lumber jack can out run a giraffe in a 100 yard dash, I've seen it with my own eyes.

Trees also harm man's plot to destroy the ozone layer by stealing all the carbon dioxide we mercilessly slave to produce and output oxygen which is harmful to all living creatures, except trees. Coincidence? I think not. Without destroying the ozone layer, man will not be able to fight off the next ice age by helping with global warming, the only defense we have against polar bears -- and we all know what the horrific result will be. Can you bare-knuckle box a bear, Andrew R. Hanson?

So you see in this mad, crazy world of Bears, Trees, and of course Lumberjacks, a kid can hardly find the refuge he once had in the forests. Maybe it's society today, or maybe in some insane way I am the only one who is troubled by all of these happenings. But I do know that I have certain unalienable rights afforded to me by the Constitution, such as the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of manliness. I know I can not live if I am being mauled by a bear. I know I have no liberty if I can't picnic or smoke in a forest without being harassed by cartoon bears. And I know damn well there is not enough manliness in the world today, where lumberjacks are restricted to competitions on ESPN to see who can climb to the highest conquered tree, and look all about them in every direction, and with a tear in their eye, yearning and yodeling at the dense forested areas that once were, and now shall never be.

So you see Andrew R. Hanson, while your blog makes the abominous claim that it has "Everything You Need to Know About the Universe," it falls far short of being useful to an everyday John Q. Public. Instead of preaching, dear sir, pull up a chair and get ready to learn.